I left from work tonight thinking I’d better start a blog. But why? Don't want to get left behind. Who cares? Don't know. Who will read it? Not sure. Does it matter? Might.
So I haven’t even gotten in my car (a 1992 Honda Accord, old-fashioned taupe color that still seems popular, 122,000 kilometres on it – it’s a good buy. Anybody want to trade for something newer? Maybe something with four doors and lots of storage – something I can cart my hats to market in), anyway, I haven’t even turned the key in the ignition and I’m thinking blog topics. But the topicthoughts get interrupted by the thoughtlessly intrusive thoughtmantra: ohmmmmm-when-will-I-find-the-time-ohmmmm… When will I find the time? Thank god I don’t have kids. How do people with kids have time to do anything? Then I’m thinking, hey, there’s a great blog topic. Childless parents. You know the type. They’re like me. They have no kids, but they are the true experts. They know how children should behave and they know just how the “real” parents should improve their parenting skills. Right about there, I remembered an e-mail someone sent me last week entitled something like “Drug-free birth control.” That poor, poor woman, I kept saying to myself while reading.
If you haven’t seen this true-or-false epistle of misadventures, here it is:
Stimuli for Birth Control – author unknown
For those with No children - this is totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious. For those who have children this age - this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age -this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children - this is birth control.The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh,” it’s already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "... And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
Pardon me for asking, but has the childless-parents topic already been covered a thousand times by 20 different bloggers? Am I allowed to recycle e-mail crap? Should I write a blog 2? Who nose?
Lou
